'a version of love that gave me a full cup and told me I wasn't worthy to drink it.'
I just wanted to whisper:
'No, my friend. That wasn't love.
Because, love is, unconditional.
Because love doesn't give with measurement or judgement that says 'you're worthy' or you are 'not worthy',
Love, simply is.
There.
Or.
Not.
I know, it sounds almost foolishly 'romantic'.
That's not what I mean. :)
What I mean is, since I've started to think about my relationship with my parents, about the way love was taught to me, about the things I made myself believe about me, about life, just in order to be lovable by my parents, I've started to see the 'blame' less in my partners and more in my ways of choosing them. :)
If it does resonate, you might want to check my page, my writings about my family. :)
I really have no idea why your words cut me so deep.
It’s like you and I walked the same path in this fiction of a life.
I thought for some reason my long time , soul crushing , Prince Charming was coming to help me during my crisis. I spent days/ nights / weeks reading a letter that was never meant for me. Walking the forest I was never meant to enter. Shouldering responsibility of holding a hand that was never reaching for mine.
I bled for someone else while I was bleeding out myself.
I all but tattooed it on my forehead.
I made a deal with the devil and now I have to enter hell alone.
I don’t know how to explain it except to say,I read this and felt less alone.
That line,“I bled for someone else while I was bleeding out myself” that hit me like a mirror. Too many of us end up carrying pain that was never ours to begin with. Waiting for a rescue that never arrives. Standing in fires just to prove we can still feel.
You didn’t deserve that silence. Or that weight. But you survived it. And that says everything.
Sending strength back, quietly and completely. Thanks again for reading and commenting.
Hi Ruth, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. This one was a tough one personally because she was the light to my darkness. She helped me see that after all I have been through in my life I can always strive for better. And when she left, she took the light with her. But thank you so much for reading. -Shain
She let you borrow her light but you’ve got your own that was waiting to shine. Your writing is proof. You may not see it but, I do. Keep writing, and keep hoping. What you may see as a flicker, is really a flame.🔥
Thank you so much. Both the art and piece were already in my collection. Written works( in my journals) and the artwork is sketched and then fully created by using affinity designer 2. It took awhile and still had a lot of mistakes. The only reason why I can write it like that is because more often than not I will reflect on that day. The day that light left me. Thank you for reading and commenting. -Shain
It was so vulnerable of you to share this honestly powerful piece. Love can make the world look like it’s full of potential. But when it’s taken away it changes everything. This is so relatable because most of us have lost at least one love in our lives. 💕
Hi Sandra, you nailed it. It can make the world seem so different. And for me, it did, after losing my dad, my foster mum and all of my grandparents, I thought that I was being thrown a lifeline, and I was genuinely happy for years. It is not about codependency, it’s just that feeling of being so in tuned with someone else that there are times when she’d have a bad night or nightmares, i didn’t have to speak, I just held her till she was ok. I didn’t need to fix her. And she did the same for me, I’m not the happiest kid on the block but she was always able to make my day. But like how my life has unfolded so far, she left. So it took me to a really really dark place. Thanks for reading and commenting. -Shain
Thank you so much. This piece really was the hardest one I had to confront. Believe it or not, I wasn’t always this cynical, I once had hope. When she left, she took the light away. Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.-Shain
When I read your line...
'a version of love that gave me a full cup and told me I wasn't worthy to drink it.'
I just wanted to whisper:
'No, my friend. That wasn't love.
Because, love is, unconditional.
Because love doesn't give with measurement or judgement that says 'you're worthy' or you are 'not worthy',
Love, simply is.
There.
Or.
Not.
I know, it sounds almost foolishly 'romantic'.
That's not what I mean. :)
What I mean is, since I've started to think about my relationship with my parents, about the way love was taught to me, about the things I made myself believe about me, about life, just in order to be lovable by my parents, I've started to see the 'blame' less in my partners and more in my ways of choosing them. :)
If it does resonate, you might want to check my page, my writings about my family. :)
https://substack.com/@ozgeonan/posts
I really have no idea why your words cut me so deep.
It’s like you and I walked the same path in this fiction of a life.
I thought for some reason my long time , soul crushing , Prince Charming was coming to help me during my crisis. I spent days/ nights / weeks reading a letter that was never meant for me. Walking the forest I was never meant to enter. Shouldering responsibility of holding a hand that was never reaching for mine.
I bled for someone else while I was bleeding out myself.
I all but tattooed it on my forehead.
I made a deal with the devil and now I have to enter hell alone.
Virtual hugs for you.
And you are never alone, not here. In this space, as I have said before, it is as much yours as it is mine. Feel free to reach out anytime. -Shain
I don’t know how to explain it except to say,I read this and felt less alone.
That line,“I bled for someone else while I was bleeding out myself” that hit me like a mirror. Too many of us end up carrying pain that was never ours to begin with. Waiting for a rescue that never arrives. Standing in fires just to prove we can still feel.
You didn’t deserve that silence. Or that weight. But you survived it. And that says everything.
Sending strength back, quietly and completely. Thanks again for reading and commenting.
-Shain
This was raw and beautiful and sad and haunting. I feel the anguish on the inside. Thank you for sharing. 🙏🏾❤️🩹
Hi Ruth, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. This one was a tough one personally because she was the light to my darkness. She helped me see that after all I have been through in my life I can always strive for better. And when she left, she took the light with her. But thank you so much for reading. -Shain
She let you borrow her light but you’ve got your own that was waiting to shine. Your writing is proof. You may not see it but, I do. Keep writing, and keep hoping. What you may see as a flicker, is really a flame.🔥
I’ll definitely not stop writing. It’s a habit for decades. But thanks for your belief in me-Shain
The artwork is incredible. This piece is absolutely heart wrenching but you write it so vividly
Thank you so much. Both the art and piece were already in my collection. Written works( in my journals) and the artwork is sketched and then fully created by using affinity designer 2. It took awhile and still had a lot of mistakes. The only reason why I can write it like that is because more often than not I will reflect on that day. The day that light left me. Thank you for reading and commenting. -Shain
It was so vulnerable of you to share this honestly powerful piece. Love can make the world look like it’s full of potential. But when it’s taken away it changes everything. This is so relatable because most of us have lost at least one love in our lives. 💕
Hi Sandra, you nailed it. It can make the world seem so different. And for me, it did, after losing my dad, my foster mum and all of my grandparents, I thought that I was being thrown a lifeline, and I was genuinely happy for years. It is not about codependency, it’s just that feeling of being so in tuned with someone else that there are times when she’d have a bad night or nightmares, i didn’t have to speak, I just held her till she was ok. I didn’t need to fix her. And she did the same for me, I’m not the happiest kid on the block but she was always able to make my day. But like how my life has unfolded so far, she left. So it took me to a really really dark place. Thanks for reading and commenting. -Shain
The artwork is devastatingly good.
The writing. More so.
This writing is so powerful and vulnerable. I really like the rawness and how it hits different 🔥.
You are amazing...keep doing what you doing...I know... but you are doing so well
Powerful piece, Im glad you ended up sharing it
Thank you. This was the turning point for me. I lost myself for years after that in a haze of depression and alcohol -Shain
I'm still here and you're the one being thanked.
Hey Angelique, now I’m the one thanking you right back. Thanks for reading though and commenting. - Shain
Your artwork for this piece is perfect! Looks like a dagger to your heart…
Your writing is so honest, and powerfully written:) You are so talented!!
Thank you so much. This piece really was the hardest one I had to confront. Believe it or not, I wasn’t always this cynical, I once had hope. When she left, she took the light away. Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.-Shain
https://open.substack.com/pub/naughtyjester/p/why-live-like-this-a-silent-autobiography-397?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=5o2e92