Note from the Inside / If I Vanish, Let It Be Vivid

When fear wears a calm face, and survival forgets to feel like living.

Artwork By: Shain Parwiz

Note from the Inside

He smiled the right smile.
Said the right things when friends and family came by.

They meant well,
so he wore the mask
that made them feel okay.

The burden was his
and his alone.

But later that night,
he said this:

“I’m scared to sleep.
If I die, I want my eyes to be open.”

That line stayed with me—
the blood in the voice, the calm in the terror,
a sentence that sounded like it had already been buried.

And then I realized—
I’d said it.

Pretending for others
had cost me parts of myself
I hadn’t noticed missing
until I heard them echo
from someone else’s mouth.

---

If I Vanish, Let It Be Vivid

So if sleep is surrender,
let me stay stubborn.
If stillness is safety,
let me stay shaking.

Because peace feels like permission,
and I’ve mistaken that before—
mistook silence for sanctuary,
when it was just a soft-spoken coffin.

If I vanish,
let it be vivid.
If I fall,
let the floor remember.

And maybe, just maybe,
I would have a proper
Family Reunion.

With the exception of my Mum,
all the real ones have already left.

And if I live,
let it be wide-eyed.

Author’s Note

These two micro pieces stayed close to the chest.
Sometimes we perform being okay so convincingly,
we forget what real feels like,until it echoes back in someone else’s pain.
This piece isn’t about answers.
It’s about naming the ache before it names you.

If it reaches you in a quiet moment,
thank you for letting it land.

-Shain

If you’re still here, thank you.
This space, OUR space, isn’t about perfection,
It’s about permission to feel without flinching.
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