Mirror

Something I Gotta Get Used To

Artwork by: Shain Parwiz

Times I look at others,

feel admiration and sadness.

Like my life has lagged….

a dial up connection.

Reign myself in

be happy for them.

They have earned their stability

careers, wife and kids.

Feel greedy for wanting

the basics of life,

But till I can get in order

I can’t move to broadband.

Bandmates as brothers,

sending me pictures of vacations.

While I haven’t left

for years now.

Teachers and mum,

used to tell me

‘Your actions now determine your future’

I was smug and ignorant.

Just ignored their instructions.

If the seven sins

were a bingo card,

I probably would have

cleared them all.

Was on top of everything

an editor, actor, musician.

Held in high esteem

people battled for my attention.

Lust and gluttony

Came and went.

Slept with women, most names I now forget

Hungry for attention, front and center.

Always.

My pride and fury

Took me destinations I shouldn’t have landed

Thought I was king when I was merely a pauper

Foolish to believe that everything I did was golden.

Always ready to fight

motto was ‘If you start it, I’ll finish it’

If they go low, I’d go lower

and we can meet in hell.

I took the envy

and threw into their faces

Excuse I concocted

‘I made it here without dad’.

I was sloppy

Drunk or high, probably both…

Gymnastics on the stage

It was catharsis, my clouded mind

Treated every song as release.

We were undeniable.

Part of a collective

Called the RSC

The Rockstar Collective

The irony now is not lost on me.

The people we touched

crossed borders

Instead of impact

I fell into nihilism.

Wanting the accolades,

without the diligence.

Flash before anything

style before substance.

I wanted to die at 27,

that’s what the greats did.

Wanting to be a part of another collective

this time it would be permanent.

Silliness of a young mind

so devoid of ideas.

I wanted to embrace

something that can’t be reversed.

I had two mentors,

One passed and one migrated.

I used to blame them

for leaving but it was me that wasn’t receiving.

Has my life already been spent

In moments when I was reckless,

That I now live in beige?

Maybe my spirit is disappointed and karma isn’t straight.

I now sit,

mostly alone at my desk.

Just reflecting on my missteps

flew too close to the sun.

I have to learn from those mistakes.

There’s no advice

that I would give to my younger self.

A level of conceit

that I now want to undress.

I ponder again

this time about

The have and have nots

why and how I got here.

I spend more time with the dead

at tombstones asking for forgiveness.

A sobering reminder

of what I thought I wanted.

Not ignoring the reality

had I succeeded

The turmoil it’ll bring

to those left behind.

I have the kids I’m tutoring

Fun days, tough days,

tantrums but always laughter.

A small sliver of purpose,

that a wannabe king

should never be afforded.

I still have my mum, my brother

despite our struggles

We’re still together

Trying to make this house more of a home

My bandmates, my brothers

We didn’t speak for two decades

Now back together

I’m putting discipline now to get every note locked

So there’s hope later.

I have but I still lack,

I still want but I have to hold back.

Issues? I had that.

Now I still do.

But now the interrogations

are conducted via the mirror.

A medium that doesn’t flatter to deceive

That’s how I have to operate.

Recalling the lessons and teachings ignored,

the very ones now I have to integrate.

I can’t always let myself off the hook.

I have to bring together what was and what is,

and let them ruminate.

I know I’m capable,

to go from zero to a hundred…

in a blink.

There’s days where I’m sick of this shit

Days where I still want to annihilate

I’ll clench my jaw

bite my tongue

let that emotion pass

and bring the picture back into focus.

There’s no zen moment

there’s no me ascending.

There’s just me clearing the debris

of what I created.

Unsure if there is a happily ever after….

That’s so lazy,

and in the grand scheme

It really doesn’t matter.

And that’s all I have,

and it’s a life.

One I’ve got to get used to.

Author’s Note:

The intent behind The Quiet Violence series is to strip away vestiges of myself and confront ugly truths.

Working on myself has unearthed a lot of unresolved emotions, fractured relationships and contradictory behaviour.

It is far easier to be outward facing all the time. The internal work, at least for me, is much tougher.

Holding yourself accountable instead of pointing fingers.

Mirror is one of the few longer-form pieces in the series.

Thank you.

-Shain