The Ditch
The poster child for failed attempts
Artwork By: Shain Parwiz
Friends since I was 20
You were gentle, intelligent and kind
You had a presence
That made me afraid to get too close
Over these decades
I tried to look out
To help you steer
Away from the ditch I once dwelled
Last night you rang
Saying that death had paid you a visit
Sadness stuck in my throat
Because I just went through it
In the same breath
you hit me up for money
Tried to stroke my ego
So I’d cover your needs
Saying I had good people around me
That meant I should help
How did it come to this?
For five years
I said you need to get off the substances
That your partner was an abscess
And we know how that goes
I told you I no longer partake
I had my priorities, no apologies
I chose me and my tribe
That made you crash out
How did it come to this?
I’m no example
I’m no savior
I don’t hate you
I’m disappointed
Remember when I said I was proud?
That you got back to working
You were happy
Genuinely
You fell off the wagon
I don’t blame you
I understand how it is
I was the poster child for failed attempts
But you have to
get the wheels moving
This isn’t
“I did it, so why can’t you?”
It’s
“I see you… and I know you’re better than this.”
And how did the conversation about death
Turn to an invitation to drink?
You knew I was sober
And working at it
You had to condescend
“You’re missing out but I’m happy for you bro”
How did it come to this?
I still hold hope
That you find your way
It took me ages
That’s why I guard this
Don’t like the meth
That is slowly robbing the light from your eyes
If I could, I’d slap that pipe away
But this is a battle
you’ve got to fight
Done right I believe you can
Break this cycle
Of silence, calling and demanding
I love you too much to just leave
My line is always open
But you have to know what time it is
I did it alone and it was horrific
If you’re serious
I’d extend my hand
It has come to this.
But till then
All I can do is hope
For that call
One that brings you back
Author’s Note:
This one came after a phonecall. Late, unexpected, the kind that starts with something serious and ends somewhere you didn’t see coming.
I’ve been in the ditch. I know what the walls look like from the inside. That’s exactly why I couldn’t just pick up the tab and call it love. Sometimes the most honest thing you can offer someone is not the thing they’re asking for.
I don’t hate. I’m not washing my hands. But I guard what I’ve built, not out of selfishness, but because I almost didn’t build it at all.
The line is still open. It always will be.
-Shain
