Reparations

What I Cannot Remember, I Still Owe

Artwork by: Shain Parwiz

Diagnosed diagnostic
Diagrams detailed
Got me questioning
Did I know?

Sat in that office
Glanced at the scans

Encephalitis.

Told what to expect
Devastated was too mild

Reflected on the times
I took the wrong bus
How Mum said my behavior changed,
That I was different, difficult and unpleasant

I barely recall
What I said or did

Thought I had done my best
Never knocked her off the pedestal I built

But did I?

Why?

How dare I?

When the pain began
Maybe I should have gotten it checked
Maybe... well, definitely, the highballs didn’t help

What did I say to her yesterday?

She carried me when I refused
The fiancée gone, she breathed for me

When I struggled in the army
Hating the regime and the fact I had to pick up a tool of death
Wanting to desert

She talked me down

So what did I do?

More importantly
How do I fix what I don’t recall?

Silent cab ride home
Safer than the bus

Went straight to my room
Noted down my thoughts

Woke up in the evening
And the weight was unbearable

Do I worry the family?
Or keep this to myself?

Recalled what I created for a student
An address card. She was non-verbal.

Logic dictates if I can’t remember for the foreseeable
I should do the same.

Silence at dinner was unbearable
Two pairs of eyes locked on me.

My brother and my mother
I could barely swallow

Later, when he was asleep
I went to her room
Eyes red and thoughts swirling

She took one look and sat me down
Her piercing, patient eyes read me

And still I asked, should I?

I opened up and broke down.

She listened and put a muzzle on my chaos

I kept saying I was sorry
Without knowing what it was for

She kept nodding, then quoted a verse:

‘Indeed, good deeds do away with misdeeds’

I knew then that I stood a chance.

I could fight.

Why did I even doubt her?

To this day, I don’t know what I did or said
Much less how I acted

I just know that I’m making up for any mistakes
Real or imagined

I’ll take a step at a time
A stab at progress

Work at it, no matter how tedious

Cuz at the end of the day
I’m a bigger sinner than
I am a saint

So I’ll make the reparations
Even if I don’t trust the narratives that my mind created.

Author’s Note:

This came from a time in my life when I was really struggling. I felt like I was losing my mind. Things didn’t make sense, and I was often left confused.

I kept trying to remember certain events, but I finally realised that maybe it doesn’t matter.

What matters is trying to do the right thing, making sacrifices and becoming a better person.

It definitely wasn’t easy, and it still isn’t.

But I’ll keep going, no matter what.

-Shain