Necessary

Action Or Purgatory

Artwork By: Shain Parwiz

It runs hot,

this inferno in me.

Battling myself,

navigating the real and fake.

Been called cold and indifferent.

Fingers pointed,

what’s the surprise?

This cold sculpted thing

Was crafted by them:

Frozen blood, glassy stare.

People and stragglers

dropped along the way.

Used to hurt.

Now it’s necessary.

Learned that when she left,

I deserted myself.

Each new day,torture on repeat,

wandering around in darkness,

the drink my only companion.

Bad enough that I fell sick.

My own call to action:

either move forward

or be left in purgatory.

Took control of the thoughts

and my fleshly body.

Decided to become a unit;

immovable and determined.

Studied my family genetics.

Dad passed at 41.

I am already 43.

Borrowed time

given from the “House.”

Every day I push,

keeping myself in check.

The iron and the track,

things that never lie.

Interior and exterior.

Alpha and omega.

All contemplated,

not for vanity…

just sanity.

Hakuna Matata

doesn’t sit well.

Nor does it bode

allowance for complacency.

I am indifferent

because I had to defer

the differences in my hands;

formula of fractions and decimals.

No more metaphors and entendres.

This shit has to be felt.

I chose this path

because all else had failed.

The aim of bringing peace.

To become whole.

Only then can the mind rest,

and this unit

is operational.

Author’s Note:

I wrote this piece because while things have gotten clearer,they have become infinitely heavier.I had to reconcile with parts of myself that I deserted. Abandoned, ignored and pretty much couldn’t give a shit about.

My physical body ballooned to a hefty 94kg and I was struggling to even do the simplest of tasks.

Then I fell ill.

Those of you who have followed me for a while know that I have struggled with a brain infection. When I got the news, I had to decide: give up or fight.

I chose the latter.

I began working on myself both internally and externally. I’ve shed about 22kg and I’ve made progress with the infection, so while it’s a hard won clarity, I find myself struggling to come to terms with who I was and where I want to go.

I don’t have any answers.

All I know now is that I am operational.

-Shain